Insanity Redefined
by baynard
Summary: Kakshi had seen many things during his long career as a shinobi, survived three wars, killed countless people, taught three shinobi that would come to be considered the Sannin of their generation. But nothing could have prepared him for this assingment.
1. Chapter 1

AN 5/7: I cringe at all the spelling errors and grammatical mistakes I made in my haste to post it. Apologies to those who had to see it that way the first time. Cleaned it up some more and added a few lines here or there, but nothing big.

AN: This was an old story idea that had been pretty much lost to me up until I got bored while riding the train and decided to have a good laugh at my own shoddy writing. The idea sparked something in me, so I tried to revamp and clean it up somewhat and send it into the proper crossover section. It was a one chapter thing, but keep in mind it was written sometime before the filler ark had ended on the anime, so the stories not exactly going to match up with current events. Hopefully the spark won't die too soon and I'll actually take it somewhere, but no promises.

Tsunade had a headache. A very big headache. Naruto had been bugging her for another S class mission again, Hinata and Sakura kept asking permission to enter the jounin exams even though both were clearly jounin material but refused to simply be promoted when all their friends had gone through the exams and slapped down the opposition like three year olds, and to top it all off there was always the endless amount of paperwork she needed to grapple with. People seemed to think that being Hokage was a cake walk and all about the hat (ahem Naruto), but the truth of the matter was, the position of any Kage in the shinobi world was pretty much the ultimate pencil pusher. There was almost no mission that required a Kage's personal attention other than to put a rubber stamp onto the approval form, the debriefing was often handled by chunin who had to deal with reading through the tedious request of the client and paraphrasing it into a form the leader of the village could read in less than a minute and understand.

Hell half the time Tsunade was holed up in a meeting somewhere discussing some mundane subject like the color of the Spring Festival banners (who gives a dead puppy whether it was pink or purple? But no, the meeting took four hours to finally decide on yellow which wasn't even on the options considered until the last fifteen minutes of the meeting when a vote had to be cast before Danzo and Hiashi came down to blows over the issue (who knew Danzo was so passionate about pink?)), or in a meeting with a shinobi giving them their annual evaluation (good job you survived another year! I see you only lost two teeth this year, a personal best! Keep up the good work!), or in a meeting with the Fire country Daiymo (one of the few she looked forward to, the man always brought the best sake and was a gambling addict easily rivaling her) or god forbid the weekly jounin meetings (She thought about passing a law to ban these gatherings, but so far couldn't find a reason to justify such a decree)

Konoha was still rebuilding itself after Orochimaru's second invasion coupled with the attack of Akatsuki. The Hidden Leaf had barely defeated both forces, but with the timely arrival of the sand shinobi led by the Kazekage of the Sand, aka Gaara, they had crushed Orochimaru's second Sound invasion. In a surprising turn of events, it had been Sasuke himself who killed traitorous former Leaf Sannin. Apparently Sasuke had known that his mentor was using him all along, and had used the façade as the avenger willing to use any means necessary to attain power to get the training necessary to kill his brother. The snake Sannin had ridden in on Manda with Sasuke riding shotgun next to him and had proceeded to destroy anything in his path. The forces from Sound had followed in the path of destruction left by the snake boss summon and engaged anyone lucky enough to avoid the massive serpent.

Orochimaru had continued his destruction unchallenged until he reached the Hokage's office. As the rookie nine and the two loyal Sannin's prepared to fight to the bitter end, the quiet Sasuke had thrust a chidori through the traitorous Sannin's back. The shocked (quite literally given the thousands volts being sent through is body) Sannin did not even have time to curse his apprentice, before he was swallowed by Manda under Sasuke's orders. The gargantuan snake had then turned around and proceeded to attack the shocked Sound forces. At this point, Gaara and his troops had arrived just in time to flank the fleeing Sound ninja. Trapped with nowhere to run, the Sound forces had fought to the last man, though there were many who were felled with a kunai to the back as they attempted to flee. The forces of Hidden Village of Sound had been eradicated that day, and without a military to defend it's borders, Sound itself became annexed by Tea country it's neighbor.

Another surprise had been when the supposed traitor Uchiha had walked up to Naruto and the two had hugged like long lost brothers. Apparently Naruto had known about Sasuke's plan all along, which was why he had let him leave after the battle at Valley of the End. With Sound village defeated and Orochimaru dead, the people of Leaf and Sand set out to celebrate their hard earned peace. It was during this celebration that Akatsuki had struck. The rookie nine plus Gaara and the two remaining Sanins had managed just barely to defeat the feared forces of Akatsuki. Sasuke got his revenge, and demon vessels around the world could sleep easier knowing that Akatsuki was gone.

Now, a year later, Tsunade sat in her office reflecting as she waited for the tardy Kakashi (not that she was suprised, if he had arrived early she would have attacked immedietly knowing that it was an imposter coming in to assassinate her). In a year's time, the now famous rookie nine (why were they called that when there were actually twelved of them? It's like Gai's team simply got smooshed in there, but everyone still refered to them as the rookie nine when cleary they were talking about twelve people, it baffled Tsunade to no end) was one of the most respected groups in Konoha. They had proven their skills in the face of danger, and shown that not one of them feared to risk their lives for the safety of their village. Neji and Tenten were engaged with a baby girl on the way. Lee had been asked to be the godfather of the child, which had sent the emotionally unstable boy into a fit of tears that had been smothered into the shoulder of a equally bawling Gai which led to the couple having second thoughts about their decision. Shino and Kiba were both still bachelors, but Kiba's animalistic nature seemed to rake in the ladies looking to take a ride on the wild side, though if anyone were to keep tally, more women were interested in Akamaru due to his unusual size which made for a great conversation starter for the Inuzaka. After Shino had accidentally dropped his shades one day while tripping over a log someone had carelessly left behind after a hurrided kawrimi (Jiraiya escaping some angry kunoichi after being caught peeping again) and revealing his entrancing baby blue eyes, he now had fan club rivaling the last Uchiha's. The silent bug user could often be seen sprinting away from huge mobs of women chasing after him with cameras, which begs the question how the civilian women managed to keep up with a well trained shinobi like Shino.

Hinata had finally gathered up the courage to ask Naruto out, and the happy couple was now going steady, and knowing the clueless idiot Naruto, they would be going steady for a very long time. Shikamaru and Temari were married as well, but didn't plan on having kids any time soon. The Nara's exact words had been, "Too troublesome." Those words were of course followed by a week long ban from his wife's bed much to his regret, but as he pointed out while shouting into the shut bedroom door, kicking him out of the bedroom wasn't exactly going to help their chances of getting her pregnant. The most surprising couple had been Ino and Chouji. Apparently, Ino didn't mind "big boned" men, and after catching Chouji eyeing her shyly when he thought she wasn't' looking had decided to ask her long time friend out as more than just friends. In a surprising turn of events from their childhood, it was Sasuke now who was attempting to woo Sakura without success much to the hilarity of the rest of the rookie nine. It seemed the pink haired kunoichi was determined to make the boy suffer for all his prior refusals to date her back in their genin days.

Tsunade was snapped out of her thoughts by the arrival of the infamous copy cat ninja, Kakashi Hatake. "There was this cat stuck in the tree, and well I couldn't just leave it there. And once I got it down, I had to find its owner…." Tsunade observed the thirty plus year old genius through narrowed eyes.

"Enough Kakashi! We go through this every time I order you to my office. I have given up hope that you will ever arrive on time." The silver haired jounin rubbed the back of his head sheepishly and gave a nervous chuckle. His habits of being late were so well known it was incorporated into his bingo book file, and more than once he had been attacked by his comrades when he did arrive early, so it wasn't like he didn't want to be early sometimes, he just couldn't be without risking his life.

"I have a new mission for you Kakashi, S-ranked." Kakshi raised his single visible eyebrow before pulling out his favorite orange little book. Flipping to the page with the marker, he began reading with his normal eye seeming to completely ignoring the woman before him.

"Why not give it to Naruto Hokage-sama? The poor boy is dying for another S-rank, and I've done my fair share of them." Tsunade sighed and stood up. She walked over to the window that allowed the 5th to observe the village and stared out lost in thought. A perverted giggle from Kakashi drew another sigh from her.

"Naruto can't do this mission, simply because he can't handle it." Kakshi blinked and looked up from his favorite novel when he heard the Godaime's answer.

"With all due respect Hokage-sama, if Naruto can't do it, what chance do I have of completing it? In every manner necessary of being a shinobi, he has surpassed me. There are rumors that he may be the 6th Hokage, younger than even the 4th!" The 5th sighed again, before sitting down on her chair leaning her head on one hand.

"I know the rumors, and they are totally unfounded. The boy certainly has the power necessary to become Hokage, but he doesn't have the patience. And this is exactly why I'm sending you on this mission. This task requires one with an infinite amount of patience, and the ability to keep a secret." She stared unblinkingly at the masked ninja. "If not for the involvement of national secret, then I would classify this as B-ranked at most. In fact, Iruka would be the best for this mission, but I can't pull him away from the academy. I would send Kurenai and Asuma, but they are on their honeymoon, Gai is well…..You know Gai. Unless I need something smashed out of existance, he's out of the question. Anko is still on her latest assignment, and none of the younger generation can pull it off due to their age, not without constantly being under a henge anyways, and Naruto is the only one who could pull that off. That leaves you Kakashi, the only one with enough skill to pull it off and fits our client's needs."

Kakashi blinked and returned to reading his dirty book. "So what exactly am I doing, and what's the big secret nobody's supposed to know about?" The Godaime laced her fingers in front of her face and stared at the masked shinobi.

"What I am about to tell you doesn't leave the office." Kakashi smiled under his mask and mimed zipping his lips together over his mask.

"Our world as we know it is not what it seems." Kakashi blinked, and turned his full attention to the Hokage. "It is in fact much larger. The lands of the shinobi are actually just one of eight other continents on the planet." Kakashi raised his eyebrow. He snapped his book shut, then leaned forward to place a hand on the Godaime's forehead and frowned.

"Odd. You seem fine. Perhaps you should take a break from all the paperwork Tsunade-sama." Snarling and swatting Kakashi's hand away, Tsunade stood up and slammed her hands onto her desk causing the much abused furniture to buckle and groan in protest.

"I'm not joking around here Kakashi!" she yelled, vein pulsing in her forehead. Kakashi took a step back slowly, warily eyeing the quivering Sannin. Angry women were hard to deal with, at least with Anko she'd channel her anger into either killing him or screwing his brains out all night long (sometimes he provoked her hoping that she'd pick the second option as her outlet for her frustration), but chances were Tsunade would just put him through a wall and there was only one blonde in the village who was capable of walking that off due mostly to his freakish regenrative abilities, but also from having had many experiences of being bitch slapped through walls. Kakashi had the wrong hair color to be risking the Hokage's ire. He sat back down and put his book into the pouch where it always rest when not in the hands of its owner.

"You best explain from the start Tsunade-sama." Tsunade sighed and sat back down as well.

"As you know Kakashi, history tells us that the world of the shinobi had been once inhabited centuries ago by civilized cultures that had built great cities and monuments. But they had fallen to war, and many of the small factions had used their power and technology to summon demons. Each new demon summoned had to be more powerful then the last and a total of nine were summoned before our predecessors lost control of them. And thus began the beginning of the end of civilization. After the great massacre, the demons had become dormant, and the survivors scattered far and wide taking what little they had. Over the years, these survivors settled in area are that will one day become the great elemental nations." The one eyed shinobi nodded.

"Yes, that's what we are taught in history, but I'm guessing there's more?" Tsunade grunted an affirmation.

"History made it out so that it seemed that the shinobi lands were the only ones on our planet. If you were to sail to the edge of the world, there is a barrier that allows none to pass. But the truth is, we are but one great continent of the eight that exist in the world. For some reason or another, our forefathers saw fit to close themselves off from the outside world. Perhaps the outside world was a desolate place with no chance of survival, or perhaps our forefathers were arrogant and thought themselves too elite to mingle amongst commoners. All that is known for sure is that they erected a barrier around our continent, and have chosen to isolate themselves away from the rest of the world. And now, after so many centuries of communication silence, we at last have contact with the outside."

Kakashi stared. Then he blinked. He seemed to be doing a lot of that today. "So what exactly is my mission?"

"It's quite simple Kakashi. An old man who claimed to be an outsider had come requesting a mission, a mission that is to take place outside our continent. He is willing to pay quite a sum, enough to help repair Konoha and more. Hell, the down payment alone is enough to stabilize our economy after the Akatsuki and Sound invasion. Your mission is simple, you will go to this man's school, where you will pass yourself off as a teacher and protect the students there until the mission is over."

Kakashi pulled out his little book and began reading again mind calming now that they were in more familiar territory. He was no stranger to protection missions, often shinobi were required to play many roles when undergoing such assignments though being a teacher would be a new experience. "What am I supposed to teach school children? I'm a shinobi. The closest thing to teaching I've ever down was taking on my brats, and they pretty much broke up and found their own way in the world before I even got used to having them around let alone teaching them anything."

"This is not just any civilian school, it's a school that teaches the students how to control chakra." A silver eyebrow, the only one visible, shot up at the unexpected announcement.

"Really?"

"Well, not in the way we use it, but from what I've seen of our client, they use a little stick to channel their chakra. Very ineffective I know, but the things they can do with it! The old man changed my desk into a pig and back again!" Kakashi starred at his leader and contemplated whether she was crazy or not. _Oh well, it's not like he had anything better to do_. With Anko away on a mission, coupled with his students tangled up in their love lives (in Kiba's case a love pentagon), he had quite frankly been…. well bored. Maybe going away on a mission to an exotic place never seen by anyone in centuries was exactly what he needed to knock himself out of this funk brought on by peacetime. It was either that or amuse himself with attempts to assassinate the Raikage, and that wasn't exactly beneficial to the peace.

"So who is our client anyways?"

Tsunade heaved an exasperated sigh of relief. "So you believe me?"

"Let's pretend I said yes." Tsunade sighed again, but this time it was accompanied with a soft smile.

"I'll introduce you to him now." Kakashi single eye tracked the Godaime as she walked over to the fireplace. He watched with interest as she placed some dry wood in it. She then unleashed a minor Katon jutsu igniting the kindling, and began searching the shelf above the fireplace. After grabbing a pouch, she warned Kakashi not to do anything stupid. A pinch of green powder from the bag turned the blazing fire emerald. The roar of the green flames was unnaturally loud and seemed to expand to encompass the entire fireplace.

What happened next left him speechless. And he had never been speechless before. Well, except for that time where Naruto had dropped his pants in front of the Third and mooned the old man for all his worth for giving them another D-ranker, but that was an understandable exception. Tsunade had stuck her head into the fire! He leapt forward to pull her back, but there was no need. She had withdrawn her head and seemed perfectly fine, not a single strand of blond hair out of place.

"Stand back Kakashi." His body on autopilot with his mind preoccupied, he felt himself take a few steps back. He knew he should have been a few hours later. Maybe she would have handed this mission off to Gai and he could be off planning the Raikage's downfall.


	2. Chapter 2

AN: So here's chapter two, still cleaning up from the original story. I did some revision to chapter one in case anyone's interested, just mostly grammar and maybe a couple extra sentences here and there. Might come back and clean up this chapter too before I put out the third chapter where I begin to write new stuff.

Had it not been for the mask, his jaw would be touching the floor. An elderly man was making his way out of the fireplace, casually stepping out of the flames as if it was the most normal thing in the world. The client had to be the oldest person Kakashi had ever laid eyes upon; the best way to describe him might be to say he was one big wrinkle. A long crooked nose pointed out from the elderly man's face and the shinobi wondered how many times it had been broken before it lost its original form even after healing. He wore the queerest piece of purple clothe with sapphire stars on them, and a matching pointed hat that bent at the tip.

However what really made the elderly man stand out were his eyes, the twinkling orbs that hid behind the half moon glasses gleamed with intelligence and hinted at a wellspring of wisdom attained by those who have aged. Only one man Kakashi knew had had eyes that could match, and that was the 3rd Hokage may his soul find peace in the afterlife.

"Kakashi, meet our client, Dumbledore-sama. Dumbledore, this is Kakashi. He will be the one to take on your mission." The old man stepped forward with sparkling eyes and a pleasant smile that was a sharp contrast to the blinding grin Kakashi was used to receiving from his self proclaimed eternal rival. Reaching out with both hands, Dumbledore shook the immobile Kakashi's hand with great gusto. The man seemed frail, but he had a grip of steel.

"Ah…Kakashi-san was it? It's a pleasure to meet you! I must say, this is all really exciting for me. Atlantis was thought to be a lost civilization, but here you are! In all my years of research, I have never come across any reference to your world. At least not until I read the diary of Nicholas Flamel. That man has passed on to his next adventure, bless his soul. As soon as I read about your world, I could not contain my curiosity, and immediately apparated to what you call… ah Wave country was it?" Kakashi raised a silver eyebrow. While the strange looking man was obviously foreign, he spoke flawlessly even though he had thrown out a word Kakashi wasn't familiar with and what may have been a name.

"You came to the shinobi continent with no prior knowledge, and suddenly you have a mission request? That hardly adds up for a man who just arrived." Dumbledore's eyes twinkled even brighter if possible.

"My, you shinobi are quite sharp! Yes, I have in fact been living here for a month already. When I first arrived, I met an elderly man named Tazuna who was kind enough to allow me to live in his home after I helped fix his roof after the rather unfortunate incident caused by my unexpected arrival. Over the few weeks, we talked quite a bit, and when I brought up the issue of my endangered students, he had pointed me straight to Konoha. And here I am!" Dumbledore fumbled in his pockets and pulled out a stick of some sort of candy.

"Lemon drop?" Kakashi politely refused, but instead turned his attention back to the Hokage.

"So when do I leave, and how long will this take?" Tsunade smiled softly.

"One year, and you can leave with Dumbledore-sama as soon as you are packed and ready." Kakashi nodded and disappeared in a puff of smoke.

The silent Dumbledore who had been quietly sucking his lemon drops in the background spoke up. "Did you tell him the second part of his mission?" "No. You can tell him yourself. I find the concept hard enough to understand, so it would be better if you were the one to explain it to him later." Dumbledore sighed and nodded.

"I think it may be best if you write down official orders for him so that I can prove what I am saying." Tsunade nodded and began writing down a letter to Kakashi. Right after handing Dumbledore the form, a puff of smoke announced the return of Kakashi. He looked no different than before except for the travel bag slung over his shoulder.

"Hokage-sama, you'll tell Anko for me right?" He felt slightly guilty for leaving his slightly psychotic girlfriend behind without even saying goodbye. But mostly regret because Anko's idea of bidding him farewell usually involved him strapped to a bed frame with little clothes on while she pumped his manhood dry. A little motive to come home to her in one piece she called it. It certainly worked.

"Don't worry." Tsunade smiled mischievously. "You'll be seeing her a lot sooner than you think." Blinking, Kakashi decided to take the Godaime's word for it.

"So where to Dumbledore-sama?"

"Well, you'll be living in the school for the first few weeks before term begins, but first things first. In order for you to blend into wizarding society, you must have a wand. And so to Diagon Alley!" Kakashi nodded.

"A wand?" he asked curiously.

"Yes, Yes. Hmmm. Now where is it?" Reaching into his purple robes, the old man pulled out a highly polished wooden stick. "In essence, shinobi and wizards both use what you call chakra and what we call magic. The difference being that you shinobi do not need wands and use hand seals I believe?" Tsunade nodded an affirmative to the man's question.

"From what I've seen, your hand seals allow you to control a much larger portion of your 'chakra' then wizards, but wands allow us to control our 'chakra' much more precisely then shinobi are able to." Giving his wand a small flick, Dumbledore jabbed the stick at the ink pad on Tsunade's desk while muttering words Kakashi didn't catch. The wad of paper seemed to bunch up and flow upwards into the shape of a sake bottle.

Kakashi picked it up gingerly and examined it with a critical eye. It seemed real enough, and the sake even smelled right. Tsunade snatched it out of his hands and after a quick whiff proceeded to take a swig from it. Sighing in pleasure, the woman placed the now empty bottle back onto the desk before facing her shinobi with a deadly serious look on her face. "Kakashi, I don't care what it takes, I want you to learn how to do that! That's an order!" Dumbledore chuckled.

"Well if you're ready then perhaps it's time for us to leave." The old man inclined his head at the Hokage before he walked over to the fireplace.

"Now Kakashi, we will be traveling by what the wizards call floo. Take a pinch of the powder and throw it into the flames and it should turn green." Following his own instructions, the headmaster released a pinch of powder into the flames causing it to turn into a bright shade of jade.

"Shout out the name of your destination, and the flames should grow high enough to allow you to walk into them. I'll go first so that you can see how it's done. Our destination is Diagon Alley." The man pronounced the foreign name a few more times until Kakashi could repeat the name with confidence. Kakashi watched closely as his client shouted his destination while stepping into the emerald flames. Turning around, he bade the Godaime farewell with a lazy two finger salute, and repeated the old man's actions.

As soon as he stepped into the flames, Kakashi regretted having eaten earlier during his quick return trip to his spartan apartment. The world became a green blur, as the shinobi felt his body being thrown around in a cyclone of energy, he noticed the multitude of sounds and voices coming from numerous other exit points in the wall of flames that flashed by at a blinding rate. This continued for a few minutes before he saw an opening at the tunnel of green energy. As soon as he fell down into the fireplace, he flipped around back onto his feet with a kunai drawn, ignoring the ash that clung to his person. Senses drinking in his surroundings while scanning for danger, he came to the conclusion that he was no longer in Konoha.

The place was dimply lit with what appeared to be candle light, and shady clients sat around in what passed for a bar judging by the strong smell of alcohol from behind the counter.. Nobody seemed to find a man falling out of the fireplace out of the ordinary. There had been some quick glances at Kakashi, but then most turned their attention back to whatever it was they had been doing. As he continued to scan the room, his eyes caught the familiar purple robes of the elderly man that had hired him. He was currently chatting with a hunched over man in a language that gave Kakashi a headache to listen to. Turning around, Dumbledore gestured for Kakashi to join them.

Walking over to his client, Kakashi found that he could not understand a single word that the hunched over man spoke even though Dumbledore seemed to be replying in the elemental nation's tongue. Dumbledore finished talking to the hunchback while Kakashi waited patiently for the headmaster all the while puzzling over the seemingly multilingual conversation taking place before him.

. "All right Kakashi-san, this way." Following the old man out of the building to a dead end alley behind the dingy building Kakashi decided to voice his concerns.

"Dumbledore-san, I don't seem to understand your language. This could become a problem if I am to teach at your school." Dumbledore smacked himself on the head even as he chuckled slightly.

"Ah, I must apologize Kakashi-san, in all the excitement I forgot to give you the potion." Reaching into yet another pocket in his robes, Dumbledore pulled out a small flask of foul looking liquids. The dark brown stuff bubbled and hissed with malevolence.

"Drink this down, and you will be able to understand our language and speak it perfectly fine. Its how I was able to communicate with you." When he saw Kakashi hesitate, he gave an understanding chuckle. "Don't worry, it's not poison."

Still slightly suspicious, but deciding that if the client had paid that much to assassinate him then it would be worth it to the village to take that risk, Kakashi pulled his mask down quickly and downed the potion before Dumbledore could even catch a glimpse of his face. The potion itself tasted like old socks laced with mint and banana. Choking behind his mask, Kakashi was pretty sure he had been poisoned.

Dumbledore blinked. He had been hoping to catch a glimpse of his employee's face. As Kakashi caught his breath from the horrible mixture he had just swallowed, Dumbledore began counting bricks. After finding the correct combination, he tapped the correct brick with his wand. The entire wall seemed to shift before Kakashi's eyes, individual bricks squirming and reorienting until an archway appeared before them. If this was genjutsu, then Kakashi had seen better.

"Welcome to Diagon Alley!" Dumbledore's cheerful announcement was almost lost amongst the din and hubbub of the shoppers crowding the narrow street before them

The veteran shinobi stared in wonder at what lay before him. Hundreds of people wandered about shopping, all wearing those ridiculous bath robes, though the majority seemed to be flavoring black. He followed wordlessly as Dumbledore led him down the alley, listening to the rambling of the old man and filing away any useful information. Soon, they arrived at a rundown old shop. In the dusty windows, Kakashi could make out a single wand laying on a purple pillow on display.

"Well Kakashi, this is where we will be getting you a wand." Kakashi nodded and followed him into the quiet building. He stood still inside the seemingly abandoned shop as Dumbledore rang a bell on the desk. The soft ding seemed to carry on forever, and for a moment Kakashi strained his ears to try to capture how large the shop was based off the echo from the bell.

"Well, it seems I have a customer." Whirling around Kakashi nearly killed the old man standing behind him. His heart beating wildly, Kakashi lowered the blade that had unconsciously made its way into his right hand. That man had managed to sneak up on him, and very few people could sneak up on Kakashi. The old man blinked and then laughed when Kakashi replaced the blade into its proper holding container.

"My Albus, he sure is a cautious one isn't he?" Dumbledore gave a soft chuckle and nodded in agreement.

"He needs a wand Garrick, and I could think of no finer shop to go to." Examining the ninja with a critical eye, Olivander pulled out a tape measure and began measuring every part of Kakashi.

"Well if it is a wand you seek, you have certainly come to the right place." Chuckling at his own shameless statement, the thin balding man released the tape where it hung in midair before Kakashi. "Which is your wand hand?" Kakashi stared at the tape measure which was currently operating on its own. Sure, a Suna puppeteer could easily do the same thing with chakra strings, but the man obviously wasn't manipulating his fingers in any way due to the fact he was currently climbing up a ladder to riffle through the thousands of boxes placed neatly together on the seven level shelves that ringed the shop.

" Ambidextrous." The tape was currently measuring the area between Kakashi's crotch, and what that had to do with finding a wand was beyond him. Nodding his head, Olivander began pulling out boxes from the top most shelf he was currently leaned against as the tape measure fell to the floor lifeless. Kakashi poked the tape measure with his foot but it didn't move. What a strange world Dumbledore-san lived in.

Kakashi looked up as Olivander returned with a stack of small long boxes. Pulling off the lid of the box at the top of the stack, the deceptively spry old man pulled out a wand and handed the dull looking wooden stick to the shinobi. Not sure what he was supposed to do, he grabbed the wand prepared for anything. Nothing happened.

"Hmm. No, definitely not unicorn and holly." Jerking the wand out of his hand, Olivander thrust another wand at Kakashi. Grabbing this one, he once again failed to get the reaction Olivander wanted, because that wand was replaced by yet another. Minutes passed as Kakashi became extremely bored grabbing random sticks a strange old man was handing to him. \

As Olivander handed him yet another wand, this time he felt a reaction even before it reached his hand. It felt like he was touching a part of himself that he had never been aware of. As he grasped the wand, Kakashi felt his chakra being pulled away from his body, the strangest sensation when he was so used to forcing his chakra to move on his own. The wand sizzled with energy at the tip, emitting a familiar chirping sound and Kakashi could feel the heat emitted by the wand.

"Bravo Mr Hatake!" Dumbledore was clapping like he had just done the most amazing demonstration. Olivander seemed just as delighted as Dumbledore as he hurriedly wrapped up his new wand.

"Well, it seems you're more the dragon heartstring and ash type eh? You will no doubt find offensive magic much easier than anything else with this piece." Kakashi nodded, trying his best to look like he knew what the hell the old man was saying.

"Transfiguration may not be too difficult either, though I'd be careful with charms. That branch of magic requires a certain amount of flexibility that this wand lacks." The wand maker continued to mutter to himself as he finished wrapping the channeling medium. After paying the odd man, Dumbledore and Kakashi exited the store.

"Well, that's it for now Kakashi-san. Next stop will be Hogwarts." Dumbledore pulled out a sock from his pocket causing Kakashi to stare at his employer. Sweet Kami, he was working for a maniac. Taking out his wand, the ancient wizard tapped the sock muttering something under his breath that sounded like gibberish to Kakashi even with the potion in effect.

The sock glowed blue for a second, then went back to normal. "Touch the sock please." Kakashi eyeballed Dumbledore for a second, wondering if the Hokage would kill him if he ran away from the client. Clearly the man was going senile. Sighing, Kakashi decided he had done a lot dumber and much more dangerous things then touching a sock, and poked the piece of clothing cautiously. With a violent jerk in his navel, Kakashi managed to utter a single curse before Diagon Alley disappeared into a miasma of color.


	3. Chapter 3

AN: havent' had much chance to write T-T schools been spreading my ass cheeks and giving it to me hard. Here's a quick mind jerkoff I did when I should have been doing my paper instead.

Kakashi felt his entire body contort in a most unnatural manner, as if his entire being had been sucked up through a straw. While the sensation of having your entire existence liquefied and slurped up into an invisible singularity should have been excruciatingly painful (The way Deidara had screamed when Kakashi had used Kamui on his arm lent strong evidence to this theory), strangely it was not. Perhaps due to the weirdness of these wizards' chakra techniques, or simply Kami finally deciding to give Kakashi a small break after three wars and unfathomable amount of missions gone wrong, but Kakashi simply felt a sense of distortion to his reality, as if the very universe itself was suddenly questioning his existence and finally deciding that he did not in face exist in Diagon Alley, but somewhere else. And apparently that mean he felt like he was being sucked up through a straw, for lack of better description.

When the world finally came back into focus, and his existence firmly re-anchored to reality, Kakashi's external appearance could be described as the very definition of 'cool as a cucumber'. Internally however, Kakashi was in his happy place, curled up in a fetal position while cuddling said metaphorical cucumber whilst sucking on his thumb. Something about having your existence removed and replaced was simply wrong, like when he had first gotten his prostate check after his mini cancer scare. Having someone else's fingers up your butthole was simply disturbing beyond all reason, and Kakashi had had people push their fingers into his gut to keep his intestines from spilling out while super gluing him back together so he knew what strange felt like! His latest experience in transdimensiional travel was equivalent to a prostate exam using four hands and peanut butter as lubricant.

"My, my, you certainly seemed to have handled that quiet well Kakashi! You Shinobi must really be made of stern stuff. I know many wizards who cannot abide the feeling of portkey transportation, but unfortunately due to the protective wards surrounding Hogwarts, that is the only way possible to get in, and even then only those keyed to the wards can make those portkeys" Dumbledore himself seemed rather ruffled, but steady on his feet for a man who just experienced the same rather violating form of travel that had placed Kakashi in his current catatonic state.

Kakashi gave a robotic nod, detachedly wondering if perhaps it was all these weird and unusual forms of transportations that lead to these wizards's insanity. Breaking out of his shell of mental defensiveness due to the reality shattering weirdness he had just experienced, the veteran jounin at last managed to notice the breathtaking view of the castle before him. The fortress was massive in nature; walls that seemed to reach into the heavens extended in all directions forever, distorting the sense of distance that normally the jounin was capable of judging to within a few inches just by eye. Stony figures of crouched bestial winged monsters scowling down from the top of the wall by the hundreds (Did one of them just move? Nah probably just a side effect of recovering from portkey ).

The only visible entrance was through a gate near where Kakashi and Dumbledore stood, and even through that gate Kakashi could make out the checkered metal bars of half a dozen other gates in place to deter unwanted intruders. No doubt overhead above each checkpoint were vents so that defenders can drop and pour all sorts of nasty life ending substances to kill and maim anyone with the bright idea of storming the castle. Behind the stalwart stone fortifications stood a majestic looking castle that had towers that reached up even further then the massive walls (almost like fingers reaching to grab the stars), as if determined to be seen by the people outside the massive barricade so that they can gape in awe at where they weren't allowed to go.

Well Kakashi wasn't going to give in to that lure, that's why he had a mask on. Nobody could tell when his jaws dropped or when he secretly yawned during the seemingly endless jounin meetings where everyone who wasn't a jounin thought war stories were traded and overall jounins acting badass when in reality it was usually duller than Iruka's classroom lectures as people went over monthly budget reports, complaints, and played bingo on Friday nights. It was the secret to his rather cool and hip image as Gai would put it, and it served him well here.

Plus if he took it off, the paleness of the lower half of his face contrasted with the sun tanned flesh that was exposed to the daylight more often would make him look retarded, which was mostly the reason why he had never taken his mask off. He had done it once, because the damn thing had been getting itchy, and Obito had laughed so hard he'd ended up needing to change his pants after a little accident involving the involuntary relaxation of his rectum.

Anko was the only living person to have seen him without his mask on, and if she wasn't so amazing in bed Kakashi would have assassinated her too. Of course that implies that he had assassinated someone before for seeing his face, but truly that woman had deserved it. She had captured him during the war with Iwa and was in the process of torturing him and had removed his mask to get access to his teeth. She had laughed so hard she hadn't noticed Kakshi squirming loose of the bonds holding him in place and had quiet literally died laughing. And then there was that one time in Cloud with the wind jutsu that had ripped his mask off with the Kumo ninja, he'd pretty much died while laughing uncontrollably as well. Couldn't tell if the shit smell coming from his pants had been a loss of bowel control due to the hysterical laughter or a side effect of being strangled by Kakashi.

All in all, it was a rather impressive looking building with heavy defenses visible, and probably hundreds of other less visible and no doubt weirder ones in place. Kakashi itched to lift his headband in order to get a glimpse of the more intangible defenses in place, but resisted the urge. A shinobi needed to keep his ace hidden until he needed it. Though given that everyone knew he had the sharingan it wasn't really that big of a surprise, most the time enemy combatants practically demanded he use it. Why didn't anyone recognize him for his own skills and general awesomeness? It was always, Kakashi the copy ninja this or Sharingan Kakashi that, Copycat Kakashi, Kakashi of a thousand stolen jutsus.

"Well what do you think Kakashi?" Dumbledore had once more brought out the package of little yellow sweets he seemed to carry on his person in abundance, and was currently struggling to pop out of the delectable morsels through the rather tough supposedly aluminum foil that held it in place and kept it from going stale. Damn muggles sure knew how to make their aluminum.

Distracted by his internal lament at people's inability to recognize his awesomeness, Kakashi gave a noncommittal hum for a moment before replying. "Most impressive. Can't say I've seen anything like it before, and I've seen a lot."

Dumbledore gave a cry of success as he heard the foil holding back his treasure pop, which quickly turned to a sound of dismay when the little candy popped out onto the ground. Peering down sadly at the escaped sweet, Dumbledore heaved a little sigh. There goes his last lemon drop.

"Well then let's go on in shall we? No sense in admiring it from the outside when we can view it from within!"

Seeing the old man turn around and start heading up the path that led to the gate, Kakashi quickly stooped down and snatched up the sparkling yellow nugget that was winking at him from the ground. Pinching the candy between his pointing finger and his thumb, he lifted it carefully before his face and gave a delicate sniff. While certainly he was no Inuzaka with their canine like senses that could distinguish everything from the deodorant brand you used up till the last time you had masturbated (and who you had been thinking about if rumors were to be believed), years of experience had given the man a sense of smell few outside that dog like clan could match.

There was the acidic tang of lemon coupled with the scent of sugar, lots and lots of sugar and a slight metallic whiff that was probably a result of being in the container that had preserved it for so long. Hmm well there goes his theory of narcotics in the candy causing the old man's strange behavior. Shrugging he dropped the little morsel on the ground and ground it beneath his heel before following his eccentric client up the hill.

AN: please let me know what you guys think, had a bit of fun blurbing that bit of insanity at 2 in the morning ;)


	4. Chapter 4

AN: sorry been a while. Struggling with my relationship right now. Depression's a monstrous thing, whether you have it or trying to help someone who has it. People who think they can just shrug it off obviously haven't had it or never encountered it in intimate form before. Anyways not here to listen to my problems, hope you enjoy!

Walking through the hallways of the castle, Kakashi's senses were on overdrive, hands twitching to kill something, anything. The portraits hung on seemingly every available wall space moved. Not only did they move, they could move between portraits. And the mind blowing part was? They could talk. Oh yes, Kakashi could hear them whispering now, even as dozens of lifeless eyes peered at him through tapestries and canvases, all muttering and jabbering in the language he could now understand in clear detail.

"My, my, what a strange man."

"What do you suppose happened to his eye?"

"I say, he must have horribly deformed teeth for him to cover his mouth like that!"

"Don't be rude Candus, its probably just an outbreak of pimples the poor dear."

"The silver hair would suggest that he is far older than the students-"

And on and on and on the whispers went. Kakashi's paranoia was screaming red alerts in his head, telling him that he was being watched, that someone was aware of his presence and that he needed to get his ass out of his current location or he was screwed. Sometimes it sucked to be an elite ninja.

Memorizing the pathway through Hogwarts helped somewhat in distracting the shinobi from the constant red alert his finely honed senses was blaring at him, but it was truly a fruitless exercise as the stairwells themselves appeared capable of moving on their own. There must be a pattern to where, when and why the staircases moved, but from the quick glimpse he had gotten of the seeming sentient steps, there wasn't a reasonable explanation.

Portraits made for poor reference of location as the subjects within kept moving around, and though they had passed dozens of statues and suits of metal armor, most looked similar to one another and Kakashi wouldn't be surprised if the statues moved too. Hell it would be more understandable than the walking talking paintings. Perhaps they were a part of Hogwart's magical defense? Certainly the weapons they held were not ornamental in nature given the fine honed edge Kakashi's keen eyes could pick up, and more than one had what appeared to be faint blood stains on them. Maybe they sprang to life whenever the school was under threat.

At long last Dumbledore pulled up to a halt before a statue of a mean looking winged creature crouched over a wall with a horrendous scowl fixed on its humanoid face. Clearing his throat, Dumbledore inhaled through his nose happily.

"Butter toffee." The strange word that must have meant something caused the still statue to spring to life and step to its left, confirming Kakashi's suspicion that the statues of Hogwarts were indeed mobile. The wall that the stone gargoyle had crouched before slid back and to the left, revealing another hallway behind it that led to what appeared to be a lift.

Kakashi followed his elderly client into the lift area and watched the wall slide back into position covering the exit. The soft elevator music that began playing was catchy and Kakashi found himself humming along next to Dumbledore. With a soft ding, the elevator finally ground to a halt and the doors parted to reveal a most unusual room. Inside lining the walls were more than a dozen portraits of regally dressed witches and wizards, all of them asleep. A majestic oak desk stood at attention in the center of the cozy room, and the purple squishy chair behind it looked like it could comfortably hold an elephant without complaint.

Dozens of strange instruments dotted the desk and lined the floor, some puffing out different colored smokes, a full body mirror with what appeared to be animals feet holding it up showed shadowy images of people staring back out at Kakashi even though there was no one standing before the reflective surface, an intricate model of the heavenly bodies swung lazily about overhead while a massive golden bird gave Kakashi the evil eye from the perch it was currently shuffling around on. The fireplace was modest, and the veteran shinobi recognized the pot of green flour like substance to be floo powder (he immediately placed himself as far away from it as possible), and bookshelves lined the walls holding dozens of ancient and dusty looking tomes.

There was even a stand dedicated to fragile looking scrolls (one of them appeared to be glowing while it's neighbor whispered dreadful things the ear couldn't quiet comprehend), and on top of the scroll shelf appeared to be a crystal ball that looked alarmingly similar to the one the Saidaime had in his office during his reign. Perhaps Dumbledore used it to spy on the girls shower? Kakashi wouldn't put it past the man; he had all the signs of a dirty old man about him. Those robes were perfect for hiding porn in without anyone being suspicious, and given that everything from the toilet paper to the door handle was magical, it wouldn't surprise kakashi at all if those moon shaped glasses had x-ray vision built in. Probably why he was always so happy looking.

Dumbledore strode purposefully forward and around the desk and began rummaging through the many drawers all the while muttering to himself underneath his breath. The giant golden turkey buzzard gave a squawk at the elderly man's turned back, but Dumbledore continued to fumble through the drawers while Kakashi stood by patiently in front of the desk. The urge to pull out Ichi-Ichi Paradise was overwhelming, but the seasoned shinobi resisted, choosing instead to keep an eye on the exotic looking avian. Perhaps it was some sort of summons useful in battle? The thing certainly had a mean enough look about it, and the claws looked razor sharp. The giant bird gave another angry squawk, this one aimed at Kakashi before turning around and crapping all over the floor. The sludgy greenish tinged dropping splattered onto the carpet where it caught fire, sizzling and hissing viciously.

Dumbledore turned from the drawer to give his pet an annoyed look before vanishing the flaming mess with a jab of his wand. The mess of hissing goop vanished leaving behind a sizable portion of the carpet in tattered ruins. Another jab and a muttered gibberish repaired the floor to its former pristine condition.

"Fawkes, how many times have I told you to do your business outside?" the older man was staring sternly at the turned back of the now named bird. The thing cawed at him angrily before bursting into flames and vanishing.

Rolling his eyes back, the wizard returned back to rummaging through his drawer. Kakashi gave a polite cough to try to get his clients attention, but was steadfastly ignored for the next minute as the man continued looking for his candies.

"AH HA!" his cry of triumph was followed by a curse that seemed out of place for the older man, but was noticeably understandable when with a bang a monstrous teddy bear burst out from within the drawer. If Kakashi hadn't seen it with his own eyes he wouldn't have believed it. Certainly there were many strange techniques in the shinobi world (seriously, earth country had a technique where the mud literally comes out of our asshole and drowns your opponent in it), many of which he had witnessed and copied for his own use(he'd never tried the aforementioned earth technique out of respect for it being a family clan technique but mainly because it was just weird), but even with that knowledge and the fact that a monstrous sized demon fox could be sealed into a baby (And seeing half a ton of fecal matter come out of someone's backside, poor Asawa had died an undignified death), it was still quite hard to wrap his head around seeing a seven foot stuffed animal pull itself out of the small space of the desk drawer.

Dumbledore had leapt back with a shout, his wand brandished towards the monstrosity that had burst from his desk, but Kakashi was faster. Years of honed reflex coupled with experimentation during the war allowed a chidori to spring to his right hand without any hand signs. Dashing forward at blinding speed, he pierced the stuffed animal through the back where the heart should be out of reflex and lack of better target, but his hands closed around nothing but a strange immaterial mist that left his skin feeling slimy and wet.

The monstrous teddy bear turned to face him, its neck doing a 180 degree twist straight out of a horror movie except it made an adorable squeaking sound similar to the dog toys he kept on his person for his summons. Where button eyes should have been were bloody holes that wept a dark fluid that Kakashi was intimately familiar with. Its mouth was stretched out in horrendous grin, too many teeth to be counted dotting the inside of the maw. As its mouth opened wider, a second set of teeth could be seen even deeper down within its throat, and the monster teddy bear gave a savage roar.

Yanking his hand out of the things back, Kakashi back peddled as the creature exploded into an intangible mist. The white fog like substance condensed together in a flash and warped into Sasuke much to Kakashi's surprise. His student had a sinister smile on his face (rape face if he had to describe it), a smile that sent chills down Kakashi's spine. The doppelganger reached forward with his left hand and tore the skin away from his face with a sickening squelch, revealing behind the fleshy mask Orochimaru's twisted homicidal (sometimes doubling as rape face) grin.

Before Kakashi could react, Dumbledore had stepped closer and cried out a spell with a furious twist and flick of his wand. The faux Sasuke Orochimaru hybrid was instantly transformed into a pink ballet outfit wearing parody about 200 pounds heavier and a foot and half shorter than the actual Uchiha.

Kakashi had to fight back a hysterical giggle at the odd site of his deformed student. With another shout and a jab of his wand, a bright light flared up around the creature eliciting an unearthly howl that shook the shinobi to his core before it burst into mist form once more and diving back into the drawer. With a flick of his wrist, Dumbledore shut the drawer with a sharp crack, leaving both men sweating and panting like they had just finished a marathon together.

Reaching into his pocket, Dumbledore pulled out a handkerchief to wipe the sheen of sweat on his brow before offering the cloth to Kakashi. The shinobi waved off the offered rag and nodded towards the drawer where the shapeshifter had retreated back into. "What in the nine hells was that?"

Pulling off his glasses and using his rag to wipe at them, Dumbledore answered with a frown. "A boggart. It's a magical creature that likes to inhabit dark cramped spaces." He gave a pointed look at his drawer. "When disturbed they turn into a person's worst fears as you can tell."

Staring at his client in disbelief, once more Kakashi questioned the man's sanity. "You're afraid of a giant undead teddy bear that squeaks when it moves?"

A rosy blush colored the older man's face as he placed his glasses back on the bridge of his nose. "My brother had transfigured and animated that thing as a joke when I was very young. It left a deep impression on me that till this day still frightens me whenever I run into a boggart."

Sanity was often missing from the ranks of shinobi, especially amongst the elite veteran shinobi so Kakashi brushed aside his client's strange fear with a casual internal shrug. At least his fear wasn't embarrassing like a zombie radish or something. "How do you kill it?"

"You can't. The only repellant known is the Riddikulous charm which requires the caster to focus on a funny image in regards to their fear forcing the boggart to take that form. They also dislike bright light and will often flee back into their cramped dark space when exposed to light."

Filing away the information in his head and making a note to learn this Riddikulous spell as soon as possible (wouldn't want to know what the boggart did to a person when it got its hands on them. Seeing as his was Orochimaru taking over his students body there was a high chance butt rape was involved somewhere, something Kakashi had no interest in finding out magical mist monster or otherwise).

Replacing the handkerchief back into his robes, Dumbledore righted the majestic purple squishy armchair he had overturned in his haste to get away from the teddy bear boggart. A sharp rap on the doorway alerted both men to the arrival of someone else who was trying to gain admittance through the door.

"Come in Minerva." The woman who entered was well past her prime to put it politely, old wrinkly ass fart to put in Naruto's words if he were here. She had on fine dark robes with green trimming along the edges and a crooked pointy black hat with a peacock feather adornment perched easily on her silver head. Her mouth was contorted into a slight frown and a stern gaze swept through the room as she entered, an eyebrow jutting up slightly at the disheveled appearance of both men.

Kakashi immediately knew he was going to have lots of fun getting under her skin.

AN: still not much, but had some fun writing the teddy bear scene. No I have not seen Ted. Till next time! Kakashi finally gets his assignment and some random bits of inserted insanity.


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